Friday, 10 April 2015

Losing my Plus Sized Identity



It's been a few weeks and I'm trying to become consistent with my blog posts. So for anyone interested I'm aiming for every Friday.

 So Im down close to 20lbs. It creeped back up again and has gone back down. This is a hard freaking process. Im not gonna pretend i don't cheat. I do. But in general my cheat consists of a bite of someone else's food or an orange to help me go to the bathroom. Oranges keep you regular!! But a few weeks ago I fell apart a bit. Im in school and it's been super stressful and i just got tired of not eating. So everyday i kept having things I shouldn't like a cookie and some rice and other junk food that i knew would sabotage my success. So I'm trying a food diary now for any intake that's not optifast. 3 shakes a day and something healthy should be fine. I'll let you all know how it goes.

I digress, I'm going to a huge event on Sat. The International Makeup Artist Trade Show (IMATS) think comic con but for makeup, and i don't have a lot of clothes. Working as a PSW I'm in yoga plants and leggings all day. So i decided i need to go shopping. Then i got scared, what if I'm still in the plus sizes? Well Ive lost 20lbs I don't think it's quite enough to be out of that zone for me.  Although, almost stranger was my anxiety over NOT being plus sized anymore.

Ive always been big, my whole life I've been chubby. The difference between now and then is now I don't feel healthy. I go up 2-3 flights of stairs and I'm huffing and puffing. I love my body. I just wish i could tighten things up a little...well alot.  Loosing weight is only the first step in that battle. Many of my goals ride around feeling more so than looking a certain way.

I have pain in my hips because i was born with hip dysplasia. Weight loss will lessen that pain. I want to walk around in a skirt or dress in the summer and not have to wear shorts cause my thighs rub and it hurts. (Can I get Hell Ya! For all of you out there that chafe like i do??) I want the flaps on my arms to go away. But in those goals i dont look at my size 4, 120lbs sister and go "that's what i want". I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

So im scared. Im scared i'll lose my DD/DDD breasts, I'll loose the curves in my hips, I won't have the traits in my body that took me so long to learn to love. Will i be pretty? Will i be ugly? Will I still find the clothes I love? Funky fun curve clinging clothes, that show off my big thighs, and breasts, and nicely shaped waste? I had no idea I liked myself that much till the fear of no longer being BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) creeped in.

Change is hard, change is scary. Change, at least this kind of change is also painstakingly slow.
I'm going shopping today so ill post a little look book when I'm done. I wont be buying much. Probably just one outfit but I honestly have no clue where i'll be shopping, "regular" or plus sized? I guess I'll have to find out.

Till next time, please feel free to post in the comments bellow if you've been feeling any of the same anxieties i have? Am i totally alone in these thoughts?

1 comment:

  1. Transition can be scary. And I think changing your physical appearance, even something you've actively wanted to change, will take some adjusting to. It'll be like forming a new view of how you identify yourself. I would imagine there are many people who have felt this way and I don't think you're alone in your thoughts.

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